Gouty Arthritis is a miserable bloke
whatever is fixed Gouty loves to make broke
he lives down the end of a long flight o’stairs
only come out at night when no one is there
‘e walks with a limp and a crooked old cane
on ‘is face is an ‘ideous grin
‘e goes to your ‘ouse when you’ve all gone to bed
and quietly lets ‘imself in . . .
‘cause Gouty Arthritis is a miserable bloke
whatever is fixed Gouty loves to make broke.

After Gouty Arthritis sneaks into your ‘ouse
‘e ‘eads for the kitchen quick as a mouse
then he unplugs your fridge and puts glue in your jam
leaves the milk on the counter and spoils the ‘am
he bungs up your faucets and makes them go drip
puts the cat in the microwave
‘e razors the ‘ose to your washing machine
and chortles out “’ave a noice day!”
‘cause Gouty Arthritis is a miserable bloke
whatever is fixed Gouty loves to make broke.

‘Is lady Matilda is an ‘orrid old wench
when she opens her mouth comes an ‘orrible stench
‘er nasty old squeezebox makes a belch-like sound
when she ‘elps ‘er man Gouty on ‘is ‘ideous rounds
they clip all the cables be’ind yer TV
and ‘ide your remote control
leave toys on the steps so you’ll ‘ave a nice trip
and chuckle out “’o, ‘o, ‘o, ‘o-o-o-o. . .”
‘cause Gouty Arthritis is a miserable bloke
whatever is fixed Gouty loves to make broke.

Don’t ‘urt me now Gouty.